You do not need a parachute to skydive 

You only need a parachute to skydive twice 

1600ft without oxygen no problem ---Now where's that fag I had back in the plane!

For those who have not seen 

The Hitler Video's on U tube.

This one is about "P"Company.

They are mock ups from a famous film.

XXXX  Be very careful when opening the Hitler Video below, there is some very choice language about to be printed in the Sub titles.

Be Careful!! xxxx Men Only!!



        Is that Smudger out on the pull?     

A former Sergeant in the Parachute Regiment took a new job as a school
teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He
was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fitted under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On
the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest
students in the school. The smart aleck punks, having already heard
the new teacher was a former Para, were leery of him and he knew
they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking
confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the
window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his
tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence... the rest of the year went very smoothly.

 

This was last years answers to exams--- Honest Answers 

Where is the country Heading? And some of these kids are going to be senior civil servants who will be implementing govt policies One day .... 
Subject: Honest Answers
.ok, now, put your thinking caps on.... 
The following questions were set in last year's examination. 
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large  pollutants 
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists 

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to 
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature 
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids 
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs             
(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery              
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow 
(This is just downright disturbing!!!….on so many levels!)

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow                                 
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the 
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the 
heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
A, E,I,O,U..                
(wtf!?)                                                   

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?                    
A. Nearby 

Q. What is the most common form of birth control 
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium           
(That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.              
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) 
Q. What is a terminal illness 
A. When you are sick at the airport.          
(Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight 
.At the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...
 True story reported by an English guy who was stopped
 and asked to give a breathalyzer test.
 
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne 
and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart...
 
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window
 then asks him if he has been drinking, 
 
and with a slurring speech the English guy replies;
 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding,
 and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite 
and had several beers.'
 
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember
 downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres
, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
 
'Then to finish off during the celebrations...
 and (hic) during the evening ...
me and my mate downed a bottle of Johnny Walker's black label.'
 
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him;
 'Do you understand I'm a policeman 
and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
 
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies;
 
 'Do you understand that I'm English,
just like my car, 
 
and that my wife is the driver, and that she's sitting in the other seat, 
at the wheel?'
EXAMPLES OF REPORTS FROM BRITISH MILITARY OFFICERS' 

1. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of idle curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this Officer.

3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

4. This officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.

6. When she opens her mouth, it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2 man submarine

8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

10. Technically sound, but socially impossible.

11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

12. When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

17. He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

18. This Officer should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.

20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.

22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

26. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.

30. A room temperature IQ.

31. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

32. A gross ignoramus, 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.

34. He has been working with glue too long.

35. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.

37. If two people are talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.

38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ tests.

39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.

40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

41. He's so dense, light bends around him.

42. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

44. Takes him 1.1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

45. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is long dead.
 

The Parking Ticket:

Working people frequently ask retired people what
They do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I
Went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a Policeman writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on,
How about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an a-sehole . He glared at me and started
Writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Hazel called him a sh-t head. He finished the
Second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
And went home.
 
We weren't too concerned about the vehicle's owner because of the
 
"Manchester United" sticker on the back window.
 
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
  
From a A Text Message:

To my darling husband, 

Before you return from your golf game I just want to let you know about the 

small accident I had with the ute when I turned into the driveway.   

Fortunately it's not too bad and I didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too 
much about me. 
I was coming home from the shops and when I turned into the driveway
I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake..  
The garage door is slightly bent but the ute fortunately came to a halt when 
it bumped into your car. 
I am really sorry, but  I know with your kind-hearted personality you will 
forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.  
I am  enclosing a picture for you. 
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.   
Your loving wife. 

XX 

P.S.     Your girlfriend phoned.   

 

These are priceless, you must read these!



IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court,
word for word,taken down and now published by court reporters that
had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:      What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:    And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     Yeah, my name is Susan!
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you
 forgot?
___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:     We both do.
ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?
WITNESS:     We do..
ATTORNEY:  You do?
WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep ,
                          he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________ 
 
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:   None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. 
                            Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
                         notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed 
                        on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK?
                        What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, 
                        did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
                         you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:   Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
 

DON'T FORGET TO CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE YOU DIE


   Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle.

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless. And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this last September, and MBNA bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member rang MBNA:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that my grandmother died in September.'

MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and so the late fees and charges still apply..'

Family Member  'Maybe, you should turn it over to your collections section.'

MBNA: ‘Since it is two months over due, it already has been.'

Family Member: ‘So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA: 'Either report her account to the Frauds Department or report her to The Credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be upset with her?'

MBNA  'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her being dead?'

MBNA:  'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'


Supervisor gets on the phone

Family Member: 'I'm phoning to tell you, she died in September.'

MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA: (Stammer) 'Are you her solicitor?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her grandson'

MBNA:  'Could you fax us a death certificate?'

Family Member:  'No problem..' (fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA:   'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you sort it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

Family Member:   ‘Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA: 'That would help.'

Family Member: ' Plot 1049.' Heaton Cemetery , Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne

MBNA: 'But, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the f*** do you do with dead people on your planet?'



 
 
 Brilliant Beijing Hotel Brochure - Translated as only they can.

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.
 
 
Getting There: 
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests. 
  
The Hotel: 
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self. 
  
The Restaurant: 
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you. 
  
Your Room: 
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts. 
  
Bed: 
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers. 
  
Above All: 
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

 

Front Rank 

Rear Rank